The PT Diaries

Using gas from sea level (built from pre-show burritos and bacon/eggs at the breakfast bar), I attempted to build flatus in my fuselage. I did this at the expense of my own personal comfort to help further our ongoing study of Smells From Around The Globe. Jeffrey is of course our Emitus Fart-Laureate and he was quite excited about the new altitude emissions. In fact, he could hardly contain himself. Upon release my first impression was relief, followed by a distinct ‘south of the border’ bouquet. The other band members’ comments were of the “My God man, what did you eat?” variety, a subject we’ve already covered. The linger factor seemed negligible to me, yet Bill said it was “sticking to the roof of my mouth”. I can’t say the altitude had anything to do with that. Not to be outdone, Jeffrey joined in with a methane outburst that took out a small section of the ozone layer. Again, it’s hard to tell if the altitude caused more agony than usual, though it was harder to enjoy the beautiful mountain view with our eyes burning. In conclusion, I would say that fresh air is the way to go and an ass-burp is nasty no matter where you are. Believe me, we’ve tried it everywhere.

Addendum: Conducting a gas experiment at 30,000 feet.

In a compartment such as a closed cabin that is pressurized with air that cannot be immediately recirculated, it is extremely dangerous and downright rude and stinky to let one ‘slip’ - and before takeoff, no less! Incredibly, this ‘experiment’ happened right next to me on our flight home from Utah. The oxygen masks dropped in 3 rows around this emitus. And another A bomb as I write this! Oh, the humanity! The smell has attached itself to my clothing and is burning my skin. I am on the front lines with no retreat. If only I could return fire, but I am fallow. The only thing that saved us was Billy pleading “Jeffrey, think of the children, they’ve got their whole lives in front of them”. Disaster averted…for now.

Doug the bassist

Last night I did a show in Louisville, Kentucky. There were about 250 people in attendance. About 67 of those people bought a copy of my new CD A LONG WAY FROM TUPELO. Without even realizing the positive equal sign of their purchase, those fortunate humans have unknowingly bought their way out of hell. Yes, that’s right friends, when you lay your $15.00 down on the merchandise table and I personalize it with my Anointed Sharpie, your name is automatically written in the Lamb’s Book of Life.

Most organized religions charge you 10% of your gross income plus extras in exchange for recycled politically correct sermons and obligatory phone calls, or counterfeit concern when your Aunt Martha falls and breaks her hip on the kitchen floor. Say goodbye to stale, unscrutinized tradition and join the Paul Thorn Church.

Here’s how it works - I come into your town once a year and you buy a ticket to my show. You will also need to buy an extra ticket for a friend who’s never heard of me and bring them too. This is called spreading the gospel but there can be a down-side. If you allow your friends to burn copies of my music, all of your former good deeds will be erased from God’s memory and you and all your cheap-assed good time pals will forever be burned in the lake of fire.

Here are some of the many benefits of joining the Paul Thorn Church…

1. You will be able to sleep in every Sunday for the rest of your life. No more dozing off in the pew. Stay home and drink coffee in your underware. BE BLESSED!!
2. The Bible says “All things in moderation” so why not excess in moderation? Hire a limo for the night and get completely hammered as I sing your troubles away. Don’t forget to drink plenty of water the day of the show to avoid dehydration from too many shots of Patron.
3. Most importantly, you will learn to take a couple of aspirin before you stumble off to bed so the next morning you will not feel the obvious damage you did to your liver the night before.

Join with me as I spread the good news. Your may ask, “Paul, what is the good news?” Well, to be honest, I really don’t know, but in the mean time let’s all believe together that every single word that comes out of my mouth is a divine utterance.

Best regards from your reluctant leader,

P.T.

So…me and the JP are sitting beside the pool at The Roosevelt Hotel on Sunset Blvd.. Google it…The freakshow is in full bloom. If there was any place 2 rednecks (and JP has been is the South long enough to qualify) stick out, its poolside in Hollywood..JP says his favorite episode of Entourage was filmed here.. Rappers, skateboarders and international superstars along with some game show hosts populate the chairs. Hollywood is a great place to observe the unwashed masses and figure out their stories..

I myself am on my 3rd strawberry mohito..court is already in session, wish you were here…

dl

1100 miles on Saturday, 900 yesterday, and that leaves on about 90 minutes today from here in Barstow, CA. Then there was the side trip up and over some mountains looking for the 1953 crash site of a UFO in Kingman, AZ, but that’s not really interesting…It’s off to Hollywood.. I’ll post more from my phone.

dl

It’s funny what sticks with you as you go thru life.. When I was a teenager, way back when, my father had one of those enormous satellite dishes. It picked up everything and then some. Regular TV without the commercials, some, uh, adult movie channels, fledgling cable channels we all know today and generally feeds from all over the world. For me the most striking was the 24 hour channel of Dr. Gene Scott. Gene-o was, for lack of a better word, a TV preacher, though he didn’t preach the same things as your local baptist preacher did.. He would ramble on and on for hours, about the Great Pyramids in Egypt, UFOs, Bigfoot and any other weird thing he could tie into the Bible. He’d smoke big cigars, sit in a big chair that resembled a throne to my untrained eyes, and pontificate on just about everything, all the while waiting on the phones to ring for love offerings. From out of nowhere, he would declare, right in the middle of telling us all just how those Great Pyramids were made, that he wasn’t gonna say another word, until all the phones lit up, every one,or till at least some monetary goal had been reached….. ….

……

……..

What??!! And just like that, there was silence…At that time, it was unbelievable, inconceivable even. And he made good on it too. The cameras would keep rolling, smoke billowing up from the cigar, sometimes with music, but often without. Just dead silence and a well lit stage with the occasional fern or elephant ear plant to offset the southern baptist baby blue carpet. Silence, for an hour, if that’s what it took. And like the consummate showman he was, as soon as his goal had been reached, he started right back up where he left off, to the word, like nothing had happened, and finished some incredulous story about fallen angels and extraterrestrials and/or some new, or new to us, translation of any given book of the Bible.. It was absolutley fascinating… Spellbinding ,day after day after day.. Not too far along after that, he branched out into shortwave radio and I listened to that too. I know of no one else who could command his listeners to stay tuned in during hours of silence.. Nobody dared turn away, who knew what he might say next… and was it even the truth? i figured out that sometimes it’s not about knowing, it’s about wanting to know..Dr. Gene died a couple of years ago, right after marrying his preaching protege, the now Dr. Melissa Scott, the oft rumored about adult film star, who roams the back roads of your local cable channel, or at least mine, after midnight. She’s got curly hair, and a grasp of the Aramaic language, the OG tongue (original gospel.. not gangster, silly rabbit).. Is she really good or really bad? I can’t help but watch…

JP and I are traveling again tomorrow morning, Nashville to Los Angeles, in the Big White Van of Questionable Yet Mysterious Intentions Tour 08…. As we hit I40 one more time, let me say I’m no Dr. Gene… but this is how it’s gonna be.. I”m not blogging another note until I get 10, no 15 interesting! emails at drlove@paulthorn.com.. not a peep….. all your divine questions will be answered then… read the blogs below to see if your question(s) have already been answered and let’s see how many people are listening…

Jeff and Silent Doc……

Nashville 2:18 am.. 17 hours from Amarillo..We’re here at Jeffrey’s, after about 4300 miles all totaled. Everyone should make the coast to coast drive, you have no idea how beautiful this country is untill you do..5 more hours to home tomorrow for me, and then I think I’ll sleep for 8 days. Tune in in two weeks when we do it again, this time Nashville to LA….

dl

we’ve made it halfway…. we saw the largest and longest lasting meteorite either of us have ever seen tonight, all ablaze and streaking across the Texas sky.. on to Nashville tomorrow..

dl

Well, here we go again… What turned out to be the first leg of the Van of Love Tour is over.. Me and B&T are heading home.. we’ll keep you posted along the way.. send your inquiries to drlove@paulthorn.com….. We’d love to hear from anyone who saw us in the last 4 weeks.

Leaving Phoenix shortly.. headed to Nashville.. no music just yet..

dl

ps part 2 begins in 2 weeks….

Hello friends,

Just checking in to give everyone an update about what I’ve been doing the last couple of weeks.

We’ve been all over California doing shows night after night. I really am excited about the growth in our fan base. It seems like the crowds are getting bigger almost everywhere we go.

Billy called me 2 days ago to inform me that our album had just gone number one on the Americana Radio Chart. I was so thrilled to hear the good news. That afternoon I went into a public restroom at a truck stop and found a 24 carat gold necklace laying on the floor by the toilet. I picked it up and washed it off in the sink. I normally don’t like to wear jewelry but I put it on my neck because in my mind it was a gift from God. He knows I don’t care much about glitz & glamour or feel the need to be photographed waiting on a red carpet, but that dirty gold necklace will now forever be a cherished memento. It will always remind me of that satisfying day when ” A LONG WAY FROM TUPELO” went to number one.

I actually feel like I have a lot in common with that tiny piece of jewelry. More than once in my life certain kind hearted people have picked me up off the floor and for that I will always be grateful.

If you watch me perform on the Jimmy Kimmel show April 22nd I will be wearing that tiny gold necklace with pride.

Peace & love,

Paul Thorn

Many thanks to everyone who wrote in, called in and sent in, we couldn’t have done it without you keeping us going!

See all of you at the shows!

Music right now..
Don Henley - Not Enough Love In The World

Big and Tasty and Dr. Love

The van is off.